Love is so scary… at times. I find myself withholding the urge to punish my partner for insecurities that I thought I had safely tucked away. I literally have to remind myself not to provoke him to be angry for the heck it… or try and make him feel as small as I do (given my own anxiety around the pure love that has overtaken my soul). These irrational inclinations come up because old wounds tell me that pain is more familiar. They tell me that complexity is easier to navigate. That mistrust is more predictable than sweet and steady love.
The truth is, I’ve never known a love so sweet. So pure. So unconditional. So durable. So permeating. So unguarding. It removes my guise of strength… revealing to me first that I’m not as confident as I’ve made the world believe. Showing me that I am so afraid of falling, because heartbreak is paralyzing.
Each and every day I’m in awe of the purity of my partner. Every movement is love. Every word is a balm to scars that are as old as my mother’s mother. What is most unguarding is that he keeps showing up… for me. He keeps loving. Keeps listening. Keeps studying… me. His love is everything I’ve always known I’ve needed but never dared to utter, as I didn’t want to admit that I needed something that I wasn’t sure was even possible for someone like me. Someone as complex… and broken… as me.
Hi love is evidence of God’s love for me. I am growing more and more comfortable with the fact that I don’t need to be perfect. I don’t need to be healed today. That it is the power of love that will heal me… on time that I do not have control over. He brings me replenished comfort every single day, holding close + kissing secrets I share and tears that I cry. His light is as bright as the sun.
I watch him often, as he moves about his day. As I watch, I thank God for loving me enough to gift me with such a beautiful creation. Today, I know a joy today that is deeper than anything I could have ever imagined.
There truly is freedom in fragility.
